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New Teeth


The following contains references to things only old people will understand.  Please keep Google handy.

So I have this old comedy album from comedian Robert Kline entitled “New Teeth”.  One of the tracks is his bit about visiting the dentist.  Funny stuff.   But why is it funny.  Because like all good comedy, it has a thread of truth in it.

The reason I bring it up is because I had to have a root canal done recently.  This is the third one I’ve had in several years, and each one done by a different dentist.  All three used different techniques and about the only thing the same was the bill.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like dentists.  They seem like genuinely nice people with a much better bedside manner than some physicians i’ve met.

But damn if they aren’t the gabbiest folks i’ve known.  I’ve never golfed with a dentist but i wouldn’t be surprised if they talked thru their own backswing.

And they wait to load your mouth with all kinds of hardware before asking you a direct and leading question.  Or make some remark that screams for a rebuttal.

And what the heck is all that stuff that they use.  Brain surgeons use less equipment than these guys.  I sometimes think, even they don’t know what all that stuff is for.  And some of the “tech” is pretty old school too.

Namely the drills.

Really?!?  All the laser technology we have at our disposal and we’re still grinding into our heads with some piece of metal?  We can zap brain tumors with a laser but we cant zap decay? or auger out a root canal?

And do we still need to stick a needle SEVERAL times into the roof of my mouth to accomplish this?  Come on guys!   Just clock me upside the head with a hammer and put me out!  The headache will hurt less later than the sore mouth that lasts for days.

Dental dams .. . i know its for my safety and keeps stuff from falling down into my gullet, but if you’re even a little claustrophobic, its a nightmare!

And as long as you’re sucking the spit outta my mouth with that vacuum hose, can you run that up to my sinus and help with my allergies?  I really miss the days of rinse and spit.  That little whirlpool of endless water was hypnotic.  Horribly, ecologically wasteful, but wonderful.  And my tongue never got caught up in it, like the suction hose.

But at least I dont’ have to wear an open back smock.  They really frown on it, and they get very testy if you show up that way, so don’t do it.