Weighty Matters . . or . . .Why can’t Johnny shrink

I am trying to get into shape.

Correction . .

I AM in a shape right now . . if I remember my geometry correctly, I think its called a Rhombus. I am trying to get into a different shape. One of the issues is which diet /work-out /fad do I follow?

My problem is basic physics . . . I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that if i eat a pound of food, i don’t weigh a pound more, i weigh much more than that. My wife and I go round and round about that one. Its like that old, “what weighs more, a pound of lead or a pound of feathers”? A pound is a pound is a pound. Except it doesn’t work that way, according to my wife. Don’t get me started. One of us is wrong. Either way I lose . . . .just not any weight.

Now the trend are these intermittent fasting programs. I do that . . . its called going to bed and not eating again until breakfast. “BREAK-FAST”. Its even in the word. But according to these, you aren’t supposed to eat for 16 hours, or 20 hours or sometimes a whole day. That’s a pretty tiny window to fit in three squares if you ask me.

I saw a story the other day on the internet (because, its gotta be true and factual if its on the internet, right) that says you can lose weight by staying in bed a hour longer. I don’t watch a lot of those programs on tv, but is seems to me those 600lb lives folks rarely get out of bed but they don’t seem to be losing any weight, so I’m kinda confused on that one.

I have a friend who is a fiend for triathlons (not gonna mention names here Austin). He must do one every other week it seems, and when he’s not participating, he is training. I like to remind him that I’ve NEVER been to a open casket viewing where anyone says “look at his abs”.
And what people forget, the whole Marathon thing, is a tribute to the Greek soldier who ran 26 miles to tell the people of the victory at the Battle of Marathon. But they conveniently forget to mention, after delivering his message, he jammed a load of carbs, then dropped dead. Ok, I made that last part up. There was no carb loading involved. He just dropped dead. Thanks, I’ll pass on that.

I’m wary of Yoga too. It sounds like a cartoon bear at a frat party. (think about it, you’ll get it). It is a difficult workout, and obviously designed for shorter, skinnier, and more flexible people than I. Which makes me wonder why they do it. If I was skinnier and more flexible, why would I need to work out? And the names of the poses, poses a problem for me . . . Downward Dog, Warrior, Upward Dog, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon . . . When I attempt to do Yoga, its more like, Sweaty Betty, Pulling Hamstring, and Barking Spider.  They do have some “Chair Yoga” for older folks. I like that. I’m perfecting the “Couching Potato” even as we speak.

Well, they say you are what you eat. Somewhere, somehow I want to eat a skinny person with nice abs.