Weighty Matters . . or . . .Why can’t Johnny shrink

I am trying to get into shape.
Correction . .
I AM in a shape right now . . if I remember my geometry correctly, I think its called a Rhombus. I am trying to get into a different shape. One of the issues is which diet /work-out /fad do I follow?
My problem is basic physics . . . I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that if i eat a pound of food, i don’t weigh a pound more, i weigh much more than that. My wife and I go round and round about that one. Its like that old, “what weighs more, a pound of lead or a pound of feathers”? A pound is a pound is a pound. Except it doesn’t work that way, according to my wife. Don’t get me started. One of us is wrong. Either way I lose . . . .just not any weight.
Now the trend are these intermittent fasting programs. I do that . . . its called going to bed and not eating again until breakfast. “BREAK-FAST”. Its even in the word. But according to these, you aren’t supposed to eat for 16 hours, or 20 hours or sometimes a whole day. That’s a pretty tiny window to fit in three squares if you ask me.
I saw a story the other day on the internet (because, its gotta be true and factual if its on the internet, right) that says you can lose weight by staying in bed a hour longer. I don’t watch a lot of those programs on tv, but is seems to me those 600lb lives folks rarely get out of bed but they don’t seem to be losing any weight, so I’m kinda confused on that one.
I have a friend who is a fiend for triathlons (not gonna mention names here Austin). He must do one every other week it seems, and when he’s not participating, he is training. I like to remind him that I’ve NEVER been to a open casket viewing where anyone says “look at his abs”.
And what people forget, the whole Marathon thing, is a tribute to the Greek soldier who ran 26 miles to tell the people of the victory at the Battle of Marathon. But they conveniently forget to mention, after delivering his message, he jammed a load of carbs, then dropped dead. Ok, I made that last part up. There was no carb loading involved. He just dropped dead. Thanks, I’ll pass on that.
I’m wary of Yoga too. It sounds like a cartoon bear at a frat party. (think about it, you’ll get it). It is a difficult workout, and obviously designed for shorter, skinnier, and more flexible people than I. Which makes me wonder why they do it. If I was skinnier and more flexible, why would I need to work out? And the names of the poses, poses a problem for me . . . Downward Dog, Warrior, Upward Dog, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon . . . When I attempt to do Yoga, its more like, Sweaty Betty, Pulling Hamstring, and Barking Spider. They do have some “Chair Yoga” for older folks. I like that. I’m perfecting the “Couching Potato” even as we speak.
Well, they say you are what you eat. Somewhere, somehow I want to eat a skinny person with nice abs.
Peace
Events Calendar
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4 events,
Newton V.F.W. BINGO
Jasper County RSVP Free Tax Assistance Program
Jasper County RSVP Free Tax Assistance Program
This program is for low and middle income taxpayers, in addition to those age 60 and older. […]
This Week in Marshalltown: Feb 27 – March 4
This Week in Marshalltown: Feb 27 – March 4
Wednesday, March 1 - Connect Marshalltown, Smokin' G's, 4:30 - 6 p.m. Thursday, March 2- Saturday, March 4- Marshalltown Community […]
Art Fundraiser At The Newton Public Libary
Art Fundraiser At The Newton Public Libary
Take home some amazing new art while supporting your library! Enjoy refreshments from the Friends of the […]
5 events,
Newton Community Theatre presents Angel Street
Newton Community Theatre presents Angel Street
Newton Community Theatre presents Angel Street (Formerly known as Gaslight) By Patrick Hamilton Production: March 3, 4, […]
Coffee & Connect presented by The Newton Chamber and Newton Main Street 3/2
Coffee & Connect presented by The Newton Chamber and Newton Main Street 3/2
"Coffee and Connect is an informal, free monthly series and collaboration between The Newton Chamber of Commerce, […]
6 events,
Kellogg Lions Breakfast
Kellogg Lions Breakfast
Saturday March 4th the Kellogg Lions is having a breakfast in the park at the cabin. It […]
Neal Smith Astrophotography Workshop
Neal Smith Astrophotography Workshop
What: Astrophotography Workshop When: Saturday, March 4 from 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm Where: Neal Smith National […]
5 events,
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope – Local Newton Livestream Worship Service Every Sunday, 9:30 am Capitol II Theatre […]
4 events,
Newton V.F.W. BINGO
Jasper County RSVP Free Tax Assistance Program
Newton Community Theatre presents Angel Street
This Week in Marshalltown: March 6 – 12
This Week in Marshalltown: March 6 – 12
Monday, March 6 - Live On Stage presents Divas3, Marshalltown Preforming Arts Center, 7-9 p.m. Wednesday, March 8- Caffeinated Conversations, Iowa […]
5 events,
Jasper County Veterans Affairs Open House
Jasper County Veterans Affairs Open House
There will be an Open House @ Jasper County Veteran Affairs new offices at 315 W 3rd […]
5 events,
Newton Masons March Pancake Breakfast
Newton Masons March Pancake Breakfast
The Newton Masons will be holding their March pancake breakfast on Saturday, March 11th, from 7:00-9:00AM. Pancakes, […]
5 events,
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope – Local Newton Livestream Worship Service Every Sunday, 9:30 am Capitol II Theatre […]
2 events,
Newton V.F.W. BINGO
Jasper County RSVP Free Tax Assistance Program
3 events,
This Week in Marshalltown: March 13-19
This Week in Marshalltown: March 13-19
Friday, March 17 -St. Patrick's Day Dance, Midnight Gardens, 6-9 p.m. Friday, March 17 - Live Music by Phil Shipley, […]
4 events,
Free Movie At Capitol 2 Theatre 3/13 & 3/15
Free Movie At Capitol 2 Theatre 3/13 & 3/15
The Movie Minions The Rise Of Gru is being shown for free at The Capitol 2 Theatre […]
5 events,
Newton American Legion St Patricks Dinner 3/17
Newton American Legion St Patricks Dinner 3/17
American Legion having a St. Patrick dinner. March 17th 5:30PM-Gone $10.00 cornbeef & Cabbage with red potato […]
8 events,
Prarie City Blood Drive 3/18
Prarie City Blood Drive 3/18
PRAIRIE CITY-MONROE BLOOD DRIVE When: Saturday, MARCH 18 th TIME: 7:15 am—10:30 am WHERE: First Reformed Church […]
Prairie City Pancake Breakfast
Prairie City Pancake Breakfast
LIONS PANCAKE BREAKFAST The Prairie City Lions Club is having their monthly pancake breakfast Saturday morning MARCH […]
Jasper Co League of Women Voters Hosting Legislative Gathering
Jasper Co League of Women Voters Hosting Legislative Gathering
There will be a Legislative Gathering this Saturday, March 18th at 10:00 am, at the Newton Library, […]
Smartphone Photography 101 Workshop
Smartphone Photography 101 Workshop
What: Smartphone Photography 101 Workshop When: Saturday, March 18 from 10:00 am – 12:00 pm Where: Neal […]
Mulligan Stew Supper
Mulligan Stew Supper
Mulligan Stew Supper on Saturday, March 18 from 5 to 7 pm at the Immaculate Conception Catholic […]
5 events,
Jasper County Take Away Hunger 3/25/
Jasper County Take Away Hunger 3/25/
Holy Trinity Lutheran Church will host the Jasper County Take Away Hunger meal packing event on Saturday, […]
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope – Local Newton Livestream Worship Service Every Sunday, 9:30 am Capitol II Theatre […]
3 events,
Newton V.F.W. BINGO
Jasper County RSVP Free Tax Assistance Program
Newton Community Theatre Auditions
Newton Community Theatre Auditions
Getting Gary By Brian Mitchell Directed by Mary Thompson Production: June 2, 3, 4, 9, 10 & 11, […]
3 events,
This Week in Marshalltown: March 20-26
This Week in Marshalltown: March 20-26
Wednesday, March 22 -Trivia Night, Tannin, 6:30-8:30 p.m. Thursday, March 23 -Trivia Night, Tannin, 6:30-8:30 p.m. Friday, March 24 - Daddy […]
4 events,
Newton Public Library Board Meeting 3/23
Newton Public Library Board Meeting 3/23
A meeting of the Newton Public Library Board will take place at 4 p.m. Thursday, March 23rd […]
4 events,
Tour Newton By Bus 3/24
Tour Newton By Bus 3/24
You can tour Newton on March 24th. Take a free bus tour of Newton to learn what […]
6 events,
Ham Ball Supper 3/25
Ham Ball Supper 3/25
A ham Ball Supper is being held Saturday, March 25th starting at 4:30 until they are gone […]
Need Jasper County Volunteers to Take Away Hunger
Need Jasper County Volunteers to Take Away Hunger
Holy Trinity Lutheran Church will host the Jasper County Take Away Hunger meal packaging event on Saturday, […]
PCM Fine Arts Showcase 3/25
PCM Fine Arts Showcase 3/25
PCM Fine Arts Boosters presents the 2023 Fine Arts Showcase fundraising event. Featuring and art gallery and […]
4 events,
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope – Local Newton Livestream Worship Service Every Sunday, 9:30 am Capitol II Theatre […]
2 events,
Newton V.F.W. BINGO
Jasper County RSVP Free Tax Assistance Program
3 events,
Jasper County Concert Association Concert 3-30-23
Jasper County Concert Association Concert 3-30-23
The Jasper County Concert Association will welcome Sean Altman and Jack Skuller to the stage at the […]
3 events,
Mercy One Newton Auxiliary offering health-related scholarships.
Mercy One Newton Auxiliary offering health-related scholarships.
Mercy One Newton Medical Center Auxiliary is proud to offer scholarships to local residents once again this […]
4 events,
Kellogg Pancake Breakfast 4/1
Kellogg Pancake Breakfast 4/1
Kellogg Lions is having a breakfast at the cabin in Kellogg saturday April 1, all you can […]
Free Concert For Kids April 1st
Free Concert For Kids April 1st
An afternoon of music, movement, and fun is coming to Newton on Saturday, April 1st at 1:30 […]
3 events,
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope-Capitol II Theatre Livestream
Lutheran Church of Hope – Local Newton Livestream Worship Service Every Sunday, 9:30 am Capitol II Theatre […]